WHAT I DID
Monday, December 1
Everyone is sick and dropping like flies but not me. I’m at a rooftop hot tub in Williamsburg tracing my hands through the water and watching the sun come up as I stare blankly ahead. I’m driving back to New York City squinting into the skeleton trees and the blue hour dusk that fills the space between them on the side of the road off the Mohawk Trail. Do you shop at Uniglo, my family members are asking? I am muttering something about Brandy Melville in response and then I am feeling vaguely nauseous. I am break the pattern today or the loop repeats tomorrow. I am imagining everything magical all the time. I am washing up on the Upper West Side where the streets are wide and quiet and sweet and winter rain has frozen everything shining. I am washing up in the Marlton Hotel Lobby, where I am telling Celia about my dream.
In my dream, a composite of every person I’ve ever met was calling me on my phone, I tell Celia. They kept on asking me to turn the call to Facetime instead. They kept on saying it was time to see each other’s faces. They were warm and not scary and I was crying and pleading a lot, though I don’t know what for.
Was it everyone you ever met, or just everyone you’ve ever cared for? Celia asks me.
Same thing, I say.
That is unequivocally untrue, Celia tells me.
Tuesday, December 2
In The Marlton Hotel lobby, I order black coffee, avocado, smoked salmon and sourdough toast with the perfect type of butter. The butter with salt water mixed in, and then a tall bottle of sparkling water on the side, too. Eavesdropping at The Marlton Hotel, where the bar room is decked in Christmas cheer and the fire, per usual, is roaring. The conversations on either side of me are increasingly hallucinogenic. Two chirpy and pretty girls to the right, and two middle-aged Jewish ladies to the left
This is how I feel with a lot of my relationships, one of the girls says. The first was not a provider, but I thought that I could fix that. The second was a psycho libertarian who got me health insurance as his sick way of trying to lock it down
The last man I dated told me I was full of shit, her friend responds. I said something in earnest, and he said that I was full of shit. I could never see past that. Me saying something in sincerity, and him saying I was full of shit.
On the other side, the middle-aged Jewish women are talking about pizza night. It’s pizza night and then it’s pepper night. They have no plans this week. These are the only plans they have made.
I’m getting dinner with a man who thought his whole family was dead, but then they weren’t, one of the women tells the other. He is so amazing. He taught me about exercise.
I get the zoomies, says her friend. We don’t work, and so we have to exercise.
I hate people who don’t.
Exercise?
Exercise.
When were things the best with him? The first girl is asking her friend.
I think, before we met, the friend responds.
Who was that coocoo-for-coco puffs lady that you got friendly with, the middle aged woman asks her friend. She is wearing a red amulet. We will call her Celine.
Oh, she was crazy. and the sister was out of her mind. she was very beautiful
You introduced her to me one week and we loved her. And then the next week you said; She Cannot. Come. Back. Here.
We pick up interesting people.
Everyone’s interesting
It is so weird when we think about relationships as two full selves coming together, one girl is telling the other.
They liked coats! Whole family of coat owners, Celine is telling her friend. I mean the father was GAY. The whole family was gay.
My first kiss was gay. Well… his brothers were gay. All his brothers were gay…” Celine’s friend says.
So he HAD to be!
They’re all gay!
As long as they’re happy….
Amongst the girls to the right, the conversation has turned to heaven and earth. Death and other realms. They are talking about Neurolink and how they were at a neurolink conference and they met a man who died for twenty minutes because he slipped and fell and chipped a tooth and affixated in his own blood.
Do you want to hear what happened when he died?, one girl asks another
Yes, the other responds.
He was floating in light. He was disembodied. He could hear sounds but they weren’t sounds he could describe in human terms. There was a God-like presence, and God asked the man if he would like to stay. The man started to feel a pull towards earth. It was like when you wake up from a dream. God said you have a choice. God said everyone has a choice. The man made the decision to go back to Earth. The man woke up in the hospital bed.
Her friend responds: I spoke with a psychiatry professor at Harvard who briefly died as part of a death-study, but he couldn’t tell me about it because he signed an NDA. He said he can’t say very much, but it’s going to be ok.
Girl 1: So what do you think about that?
Girl 2: I mean I definitely don’t believe in heaven or hell
Girl 1: The reason I never killed myself is because I want to see what happens
Girl 2: I mean I definetly do believe that consciousness is eternal…
Wednesday, December 3
What do I care about now? Write and read. Wait with pulsing anticipation but not too much anticipation, mostly just a sense that some things are at their tail end and others at their precipices. Something in Saturn, maybe, but I am trying not to play with fire in this way. After I played Kali Uchis off the tinny computer speakers and I read books by healers who possessed demons and I drank sparkling water and cleaned everything top to bottom and flirted with danger a bit, Celia came over to sit on my floor. I think I’m having a bit of a panic attack, Celia texted me. Would you like to come sit on the floor of my apartment, I texted Celia. She arrived in a gray sweater and a blue wool scarf and bearing a suitcase that belonged to me. Do you like the window open? I asked Celia. I am feeling a bit cold, Celia told me. I am feeling very excited and ambitious, I told Celia.
I have always had boundless energy and this is the only thing I know to be true.
There are magazines on the way to the apartment and I am realizing how nice it is when things are very clean.
I am going to go to The Marlton hotel now, Celia told me.
Thursday, December 4
Writing, like a list, the things I have that I can quantify, now.
A blog
One new job
Maybe a second new job
An esoteric health book club
Some regret for lapses in things like kindness and self possession but this is fine because imagine how beautiful life could be without sin. Etc etc etc
A communal turtle pond with a courtyard that has suddenly been strung with christmas tree lights and christmas cheer
No sense of passive intrigue because if I don’t care about something times-one-million I don’t care at all
25 volumes of books written by Alice Bailey’s demon to use if I want to write more fiction or play with fire even more
Concern about the things that swirl around forever when secrets or information or even stories are revealed even once
Fresh memories of weekend in the woods (Florida, Massachusetts)
Hotel lobby where I can come and go and come and go for only the price of ginger turmeric tea
A writers Group
Book recommendations from writers group: The Sayings of the Desert Fathers, translated by Benedicta Ward; The Forgotten Desert Mothers: Sayings Lives and Stories; translated by Laura Swan; The Interior Castle by Teresa d’Avila
War themed (?) viewing recommendations from hotel lobby: The Death of Stalin (Armando Iannucci, 2017); Chernobyl (2019); Dark Tourist (2018)
Tendency towards nostalgia which can be a mental illness but is not necessarily so
Many things I miss and many things I don’t
Friday, December 5
All my friends think different things and want, for the most part, the same things. I try to teach Celia about adaptability, but she doesn’t like bossy people, and she doesn’t like it when I try to teach her anything at all. Anyways, it’s all been a more interior sort of thing. Alice-Bailey-The-Mystic is one crazy chica, but she does have some interesting things to say.
On her enemies - “they have done me no real harm, perhaps because I could never dislike them and could always understand why they disliked me.”
On thinking about yourself too much - “people’s profound interest in themselves and in their souls and all the intricacies of related experiences almost staggers me. I want to shake them and say, ‘Come outside and find your soul in other people and so discover your own.’”
In the evening, I walk to the first Christmas Party of the season, through the Washington Square Park archway that is lit up silver and glowing and then to an office in midtown with pine branches and lights that are warm and shimmering and then to the East Village, where the party feels like something from 2022. Something where everyone gets too drunk and asks you about your thoughts on technology and art and you respond with something like: oh I just moved here. Except I didn’t just move here, and so the party feels kind of nostalgic, too. Only one note from the afterparty. I wrote it on my phone, and I really hope it’s true.
THEY’RE SAYING I’M NOT EVIL Phew. What a relief.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
Tuesday, December 9
From 7pm at EARTH — Open Secret presents An Evening of Internet Cinema with Dana Dawud, Redacted Cut, Poorspigga, Zarina Nares, Carmen Llin, Onty, and Araya.
From 7pm - 11pm at KGB — The Metropolitan Review hosts a Holiday Party. You must get a ticket to enter, and it appears to be sold out, but perhaps there will be availability at the door? Worth trying if you’re in the area. “Meet the editors and contributors, and have a rollicking night.”
From 9pm in the Lower East Side (dm @Jackiearielle for location) — Painters Pool returns. A weekly party for painters and friends, Tuesday in New York and Thursday in LA. Gather your painter friends - that’s your ticket in.
LOS ANGELES - From 7pm at Giovanni’s Room — Casual Encounters + On The Rag present Holiday Party: drinks, merriment, and super short readings from OTR archives, ft Suzy Exposito, Violetta Balkoff, Gabby Sones, Jonathan D’Aguilar, Sarah Wang, Ellis Kopple, Mia Culpa, Chantel Murphy, Zara Schuster, and Emma Camille Barreto. | BYOB, BYOFriends
Wednesday, December 10
At 1pm, 3:50pm, and 9:35pm at IFC — It’s A Wonderful Life is screening. I cannot imagine a better midday-weekday viewing experience. Additional screenings throughout the week.
From 7pm - 9pm at The River — D8 Time x Open Book Club presents a night of Literary Speed Dating. “Everyone meets everyone. Everyone gets a romance book.” | Tickets here ($15)
From 7pm at Flux Lumina (132 Bowery 5th Fl) — Uncensored New York presents The Dinner Party: a one night only environment of works exploring themes of consumption, spectacle, surveillance, and humiliation. Entry is free, please tip your server!
Thursday, December 11
From 6pm - 8pm (RSVP for location) — The New Criterion hosts their holiday party. “Join the editors, authors, Friends, and Young Friends of The New Criterion for cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, and good cheer in celebration of the holiday season.” |
LONDON - From 7pm at Rivoli Ballroom — Lost Property & Diet Quieter Please present “A Winter Ball” - A night of glitz, glamour, and miscellaneous lectures with Frankie Faccion, Will Kaye, Jaya Twill, and Ethan Joseph. Hosted by Letty Cole. Featuring music from My New Band Believe.
Friday, December 12
From 7pm at Lomex Gallery — The Aleph & Lomex Books presents The Future of the Literary Thriller - a panel featuring Jordan Castro, Noah Kumin, August Lamm, and Hansen Shi. Moderated by Holiday Dmitri.
LONDON - From 8pm - late at Lost Club Night — Lost x Soho Reading Series presents their debut, ft Geoff Dyer, Róisín Lanigan, Tanjil Rashid, Yoel Noorali, and Jodie Harsh. Hosted by Tom Willis. Music hall and cub night to follow.
Saturday, December 13
From 12pm - 4pm at The Bench — Evie and Arden are hosting The Substack Holiday Closet Sale. I will be selling half my closet here, along with Evie, Arden Yum, Tina Zhang, Kate Snyder, Heather, Julianna Salguero, Cami Fateh, and Olivia Weiss .
From 8pm - 11pm at Space LES — Magazine Non Grata celebrates their inaugural edition. A new print magazine that aims to, per their substack: “Give the rebels a platform. Get people off their phones. Spread beauty.” I’m excited about anything new in print. They also will be hosting launch parties in Paris and Brazil. Intriguing. | RSVP here
From 8pm - 4am at Night Club 101 — Sex Mag x Burning Palace present Me And My Victim: The Online Release Celebration. Readings by Maddy Van Buren, Liv Archer, Annabel Gould, Billy Pedlow, and August Lamm. Additional hosts, DJ sets, performances, etc. This will be a fun one!
LOS ANGELES - From 6pm - 9pm at Formas — Forever Magazine celebrates the launch of Inheritance Issue & Flat Earth.
Sunday, December 14
From 6pm at Night Club 101 — It’s a X-Mass Xtravganza, ft Luke Rathborne, Matthew Danger Lippman, Rachel Coster (Boy’s Room), Sophie Becker, Elsie Fisher, and DJ Charlotte Ercoli.
so good chloe