[REDACTED] is awful

#43 Collected Agenda

WHAT I DID

Saturday, April 5

My boyfriend is in Costa Rica posting photos of Mel Gibson's house down the hill and playing me recordings of Mel Gibson verbally abusing his wife.

I'm lying on a small thin bed in Costa Rica and I'm mostly tuning this out, along with mostly tuning out the other things - horses and howler monkeys outside. Quieter, the buzz of insects and even, distantly, the roaring waves. These are the types of things I should really tune in. Everything just clicked these past few weeks. I know how to be now, but I don't know how to vocalize it yet.

We took the ATV over the mountain to the chocolate shop this afternoon. We bought iberico ham and we ate it in the forest along with melted chocolate in ceramic cups, vegan pear cake, espresso, cocoa husks. SUPER DAVID, the sign on the convenience store said. Tsunami evacuation route, all the signs on the side of the road said.

I am getting better at sitting on the back of the ATV. I haven't tried the driving part, because I don't know how to drive stick shift and because they told me there is some correlation between the two. I am getting better at being very focused, and sometimes, at being very removed.

There is a crash outside, and my boyfriend opens the door to tell me it was just because he fell out of the hammock. I tell him I am going to go for a walk. There's a beach close by, and if I pace this stretch of road a few times over I can catch the sunset at all its different stages. I can catch myself surprised each time I round the bend and I see how the colors have just barely shifted.

There is going to be a lot more routine once I am back in New York. I have a lot of plans, and there will be a lot more staying put. My fingernails are filthy from the dust. I have decided that, going forward, I am going to be significantly more removed from all the things I used to seek.

Sunday, April 6

Watermelon slushie for breakfast and I woke up all feverish which means the sea plane isn't an option anymore so we'll be lingering here for at least a little longer.

Dinner was nice last night - left the hotel in hazy dusk and we hit a storm surf side almost as soon as we were on the road. "It's pouring," said the friends we were meeting for dinner, and I said oh really it's not raining for us and then shortly after we were barreling through the downfall. David drives too fast but I haven't been being too difficult about it.

There is very little in today, then. Shivering down the secret path at sunset and there's something kind of nice about being very ill in very intense heat.

My boyfriend is unenthused by the sunset. “We'll watch the sunset here tomorrow," he says. He makes up a rhyme about me to compensate for his lack of appreciation in the magic of the view.