Total Nightmare Policy
#48 Collected Agenda
WHAT I DID
Monday, May 12
At the Holiday Inn, there are Yakisoda noodles and banana cream pie snack pack jellos and krabby patties gummy candies and lances cream cheese and onion dip crackers. All the most disgusting snacks imaginable, and kind of perverted, too. I’m so particular and annoying with my sleeping issues that I always find myself at depressing hotels, even when there is a wonderful home down the road where I am welcome. I need a Big Bed and Isolation. I need Temperature Control. As a child, I liked things such as camping in birch forests and cramped little stone cottages in some village where my parents would find someone on the Internet to swap houses with. Unfortunately, I grew up into someone with severe and undiagnosable sleep disorders, and a taste for adventure that is rooted more in hedonism and less in fresh air.
I feel really full and sleepy heading back to New York. Well, things are better than they were.
Total nightmare policy. Total, blow up your life brother, policy. I was so addicted to writing in my google docs journal this weekend and now I have a lot of annoying slop to show for it. I call my dad in the sun outside the Starbucks in a Strip Mall. Stop thinking about things in such eternal terms, they tell me. You wouldn’t get in a car crash and say When Can I Go 100 Again, they remind me.
Fiction, again - they are talking about somebody else. The idea of compromise no longer makes your blood boil. It’s an unsavory trait that it ever did in the first place.
"The other alternative is that I just become a nightmare and you become perfect," I told him.
"That is certainly an alternative," he told me.
It is 11:30pm, and I am thinking about getting a job. I am thinking about the Current Body Red Light Mask and the Ayede heels from ssense.com. "What if I hadn’t simply crashed out," he said. "There would have been pros and cons to that," I said.
There is a fire alarm and mauve curtains and two weird arched doorways because we booked a suite and so the architecture suggests some simulacra of something vaguely Roman. Marble. Plaster cut to look like marble. I go to buy water and they have turned off the creepy lights at the creepy pool.
Tuesday, May 13
I was feeling really terrified, if I’m being honest about it. I was sitting on the sidewalk picking at my nails and drinking hot coffee in the hot sun, eight splenda, curdled almond milk. I was voicing concerns in a high pitched voice and I was losing track of the distinguishment between ideas imagined and conversations regurgitated. God forbid I have an original thought of my own - that part wasn't even on the table.
It isn’t so dark and depressing anymore. Walk in the rain and everything is so green here. I’ll be back in the city tonight and there are better omens in the astrology these days around things like planes, the return, glass apartments in the sky.
He leaves my keys on the bedside table at the hotel, and he’s still asleep when I pack up my things and leave to eat black coffee, turkey deli meat, garlic aioli, marcona almonds. We drive to his parent’s house and he gives me drumstick vanilla ice cream. Working on this laptop, surrounded by all this green.
You know that every time you hit this vape it coats your lungs in sweet thick paste, I am telling him, as I hit his vape. The last time I wrote about hitting a vape I received an infuriating pseudo intellectual email about the verbiage "hit" as suggesting a sado-masochistic impulse in our digital age. "I wonder if soon, you'll be saying you 'Beat' or 'Pummeled' your vape?" the idiot email writer wrote. The email made me so mad. You're so stupid, I wanted to write back.
We go for a walk in the bright green forest. There is a sweetness here. A coming-back-into-control that makes the out-of-control-ness feel so distant. Escape from Evil and two days later you mistake reprieve for salvation. Unless, you are not mistaken. It really could be that simple. What was it they were saying on The Internet? Break The Pattern Today Or The Loop Will Repeat Tomorrow.
What was it I've been saying online? Edit Artificial Intelligence robot voice over text to speech words - "Taking My Party Boy Boyfriend On A Walking Tour Of The Cotswolds."
I clarify that I've been defending his honor. We're crushing up the plastic water cups, and the hill is steep up the road.
I clarify that there are people of extremes. It was very bad, but now it is very good, I am texting my mother.
Honestly, I'm so sick of clarifying anything at all. You're a little more sober with it. You're a little more gentle about it.
It transformed in two days. Imagine two weeks. Imagine a year. Imagine rushing even one second.
I can control my consciousness. Though, it isn't my consciousness, really, that I've been concerned about.
I'm glad we share a frame of mind.
This plane is basically empty.
Wednesday, May 14
We went to KGB late last night.
Thursday, May 15
The woman who does yoga on her fire escape is out there with a cigarette, today. I’m not in a bad mood today. The apartment is a mess and I am concerned about my past. Things become steady, and then even bright.
Friday, May 16
Well, I didn't write because I have been busy in real life. I've been imagining an identity rooted in delusions in the secret diary that stays offline.
It is not so delusional. I am feeling so sincere.
Rebecca is here. My sister is here. We went to KGB Bar and Fanelli Cafe and Funny Bar where we met a Gagosian guy turned AI guy, which I guess has kind of been my career arch too though I am not so pleased about that direction.
We went to the party at Bowery where the waiter from Fanelli Cafe was the DJ and I had two vodka sodas then soda water with lime which might be all I do soon, though I keep on having all these cyclical conversations with myself about these things - consumption and gluttony - and there is little that more dull, so I will not bring it up again.
I went to the sleep specialist and she giggled when I said I don't scream in my sleep if I am in the company of strangers.
That's different but great, she said.
Do I control my subconscious, I said.
Stupid idiot, she said.
I did actually go to all these parties, and I did call him from the bathroom. He'll be back in New York soon, making film and code and learning banjo.
It's way better than the alternative, and I do feel very proud this week which is something I have not been able to say in a good long while.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
Wednesday, May 21
From 7pm - 8:30pm at The Flea Theater (20 Thomas St) — I’ll be seeing Revolution: The Play. Sophia Englesberg is associate producer, and everything she touches is wonderful. Written and produced by Brett Neveu, directed by Rebecca Harris. The theater is next to The Odeon, so you can get my favorite martini before or after the show. - “Who celebrates their 26th birthday in the alley outside of her hairdressing place o’ work? Revolution interrogates and celebrates the very nature of creating community and building friendships in our ever-evolving, ever disconnecting world.”
From 8:00m at St. Dymphna’s — Page Garcia, Matthew Danger Lippman, and Leg5 host the Weird Scene Reading; a night of psyops, psychedelia, and strange tales. Readings by Leya Ivanov, Ella Schmidt, Neurothicca, and Page Garcia, among others. - “Dress as your favorite musician, manson girl, or government sponsored chemist.”
From 7pm - 1am at Earthly Delights — Writing on Raving celebrates the launch of their print anthology with readings and an after party. I’ve followed this project as it progresses online over the past few years. They have really forefronted a beautiful and serious style of nightlife writing, and I’m excited to see this in print. Readings by Shawn Dickerson, Tim roehlich, Jesus Hilario-Reyes, Anne Lesley Selcer, Frankie Wiener, and Simon Wu. DJs - Morenxxx, Relaxer.
Thursday, May 22
From 7pm at KGB Bar — Cracks in Pomo hosts a launch party for the release of the zine vol. Iii. I’ll be reading, along with Valerie Stivers, Matthew Gasda, and Jonah Howell. Join for drinks, chats, and discounted zines for sale . RSVP here. If you can’t come, order a copy of the zine here
From 7pm at KGB Bar (Red Room) — Meg Spectre presents The Meg Spectre Spectacular - a musical-comedy show featuring Ivy Wolk, Amelia Ritthaler, Megan Bitchell, and Willie Zabar. You can read about Meg being brilliant and fun here. It’s a huge night at KGB. I’ll certainly be there! Will you?
From 10pm at Wiggle Room — Callie Reiff takes over. Music by Callie Reiff and JM Kettle. Hosted by Fernando, Nosebleed, and Saph.
From 11pm at Shinsen — Rina throws a launch party for the release of Vulnerable - the single and music video. Hosted by Leg5 and Page Garcia. Multiple dj sets and photographers. - “go out every night and act like a ****”
From 11pm at Laissez Faire — Reel in Memorial Day Weekend with Donna Francesca + Friends. Ft, Donna Francesca, Elias Becker, Luca Clavarino, and Jack Nolan. Hosted by Marika Thunder + Raph. This will be a really fun one!
LOS ANGELES - From 8pm at Lumiere Cinema — WWW.RACHELORMONT.COM LA Premiere. Q&A with: Peter Vack, Chloe Cherry, Betsey Brown, moderated by Al Warren. Afterparty at No Vacancy with The Ion Pack + Chloe + Betsey + Peter.
Friday, May 23
From 7pm at SECRET LOCATION — Charlotte de Witte will be playing a sick show. I’m not supposed to tell you where, but if you are my friend or if you are one of the first people to ask, maybe I will, just gotta make sure it doesn’t get too crowded. Charlotte will also be at 99 Scott from 3am - 5am.
From 8pm - late at 4408 W 2nd St. — ZORA presents ZERO1 - a science fiction reading with an afterparty to follow. Readings by Oliver Misraje, Riska Seval, and Johanna Stone. Djs: chic P, brandy melville, Harmony Tividad. - “It is theorized that Zero1 activates specific optic nerves relating to the processing of blue light, the same blue light emitted from digital screens.” | Doors at 8, readings at 9, DJs at 10.
Saturday, May 24
From 6pm - 9pm at BlankMagBooks (17 Eldridge St) — Pop Gun presents the launch of the MINIOTICS book, featuring each of the 145 minions from their last show, alon with an essay by Carlo Mccormick.
From 9pm - 2am at Hell Phone — JM Kettle hosts another edition of Stop1 - “a seductive sonic journey with j.m.kettle b2b DJ SPOTIFY b2b MISE.” Stop one is a pre/post-party destination. It’s a cool concept, good crowd, and good sounds.
From 10pm at Laissez Faire — Tour de LES returns with five hosts, seven djs, zero bikes. Callie Reiff, bdgrlbklyn, dj shawty, leg 5, and more. Photos by Matt Weinberger.
Sunday, May 25
At KGB — It’s not Sunday without Confessions
“As a child, I liked things such as camping in birch forests and cramped little stone cottages in some village where my parents would find someone on the Internet to swap houses with. Unfortunately, I grew up into someone with severe and undiagnosable sleep disorders, and a taste for adventure that is rooted more in hedonism and less in fresh air.”
Such a great couple of sentences …It’s funny how life was always so much simpler “then”. Although, it’s great you kept your senses of adventure in whatever form!
"Do I control my subconscious, I said.
Stupid idiot, she said."
dude i miss you